Gainful Employment.

Originally posted on Tales of the Paradoyverse.

Characters in this story are owned either by myself, or other posters on the Board.

This story contains a few footnotes marked as follows: *. If you move your mouse pointer over the asterisk, the footnote should appear in a popup window. This is all part of that wonderful world that is Javascript.

If you cannot read the footnotes then write and complain. If enough people complain, I will do a non-javascript version of the page.

Through the tall, dank, many-angled, echoing corridors of the Lair Legion Mansion stalked the Manga Shoggoth.

Well, not exactly. The corridors were somewhat smaller and drier than those it was used to, the angles were all in the 0 - 360 degree range and the carpet had a habit of muffling the echoes*. However, despite the somewhat reduced circumstances, the Shoggoth was determined to do its best. In fact, it had to admit, it was now having an unrivalled chance to observe Humanity close up. Au naturelle, as it were. It had already learned a lot from the various Legionaries*.

And herein lay the problem. The Shoggoth was a guest of the Legion. It was being given succour and lodging*, and giving nothing in return. And in its view, to take without giving in return was the mark of an enslaver - slavery being a subject on which the Shoggoth had definite views.

Eventually, after performing a quick Yo-check, it oozed into the Dining Room. Therein sat the Hooded Hood, also a guest of the Legion, who was currently enjoying a late breakfast and a well-earned break from plotting.

"Good morning. I trust you had a pleasant night?"

The Shoggoth paused, considering its response. It was still working on social intercourse*, and readily admitted that it was still not very good at it.

Yes, thank you. The earth moved for me.* It answered.

Noting correctly that this was not the expected response, it changed the subject.

I feel that I should be making some return to the Lair Legion for letting me stay here. Perhaps you could suggest something?

The Hooded Hood gave this due consideration.

"Perhaps you could find a job?" he suggested.

Employment? The Shoggoth mused. But I seem to have no human skills at all.

"I have always thought that one should play to one's strengths." replied the Hooded Hood. "You have many abilities. You simply need to apply them in a new context."

Of course. I will devote myself to the task immediately.

The Shoggoth oozed off, the light of challenge in what passed for its visual sensory organs.

* * *

The Shoggoth did indeed give the problem a great deal of thought. As the Great Old Ones originally created it to build their vast underwater cities, perhaps it should start with the building industry.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, the letters started arriving...

* * *

Dear Mr Shoggoth,

It is with great regret that we must terminate your employment with us. We have been forced to this decision by a number of factors, which we have listed below.

• We have been unable to find any of the previous building work noted in your resume.


• Although your construction skills are indeed impressive, our clients generally prefer to live and work in buildings that occupy no more than the traditional three dimensions.


• We grant that whilst building the interconnecting corridors down the fourth dimension may save a great deal of time, many people have difficulty traversing such corridors.


• Multi-story buildings should be constructed with the lower floors beneath the upper floors. We have found that this makes the installation of the lifts much easier.


• Lifts are supposed to move vertically, not horizontally or in any other direction.


• While we appreciate your enthusiasm in providing us with genuine ethnic wall carvings, but we do employ a company to provide us with artwork that specifically does not keep changing whilst you are not looking.

May we take this opportunity to wish you the best of luck in seeking further employment.

Yours Sincerely,

...

* * *

"Perhaps you are not really suited to the modern building industry." suggested the Hooded Hood.

Yes. agreed the Shoggoth. Building methods have changed significantly since I last worked in that area. Ebony tends to make my people build their own houses - she says it breeds self-reliance.*

* * *

Dear Mr Shoggoth,

Thank you for your recent submission of plans for the new Pseudopolis Shopping Complex.

We regret that the design, although in many respects bold and exciting, will not mesh well with the methods of building available to us. Furthermore, it is likely that the more advanced parts of the development will be refused planning permission for various reasons. In particular the plan to have restaurants supplying fresh ethnic cuisine will probably be challenged by the immigration authorities.

In answer to your enquiry, our chief architect, who was responsible for viewing your plans, is now much better provided that we keep him away from sharp objects. He hopes to return to work some time this month, and wishes to thank Miss Ebony for the flowers.

Yours Sincerely,

...

* * *

"Flowers? Ebony?"

I understand that it is that or grapes. Ebony is so much better at these things.*

* * *

Dear Mr Shoggoth,

We regret that we must terminate your position on the teaching staff of Hells Bathroom High School.

Please understand that this is not a reflection on your ability to teach. We simply feel that the level at which you pitch your lessons is a little beyond the grasp of our students. Your grasp of disciplinary techniques, although applauded by some members of staff, is also inappropriate in the context of a school. Ripping off the head of a pupil leaving the slime-covered body is considered excessive when all you require is that he cease firing his weapon at you.

We wish you luck in your future search for work.

Yours Sincerely,

...

* * *

The Shoggoth was heard muttering darkly about finding it easier to teach semi-evolved simians the rudiments of civilisation.

"Perhaps there is one occupation for a mind that moves in unnatural, blasphemous and chthonic paths." suggested the Hooded Hood at length.

* * *

Dear Sir,

With respect to the conditions and constraints held within the tax code to whit that no person shall comprehend, or cause to be comprehended any one section of the aforesaid legislation as mentioned herein before with respect that said person shall be subject to complete and utter termination of employment and loss of all rights and privileges thus obtained in respect of the aforesaid employment to take effect immediately on the day the aforesaid comprehension is instantiated.

I beg to remain your most obedient servant,

...

* * *

"They what?"

I'm Fired.

* * *

Eventually, the problem was passed to Sir Mumphry Wilton, who was generally deemed wise in the ways of employment and business*. He considered the problem for a few days, and sent the Shoggoth one final letter.

* * *

Dear Mr Shoggoth,

Guest /gest/ noun person invited to visit another's house or have meal etc. at another's expense.*

You are already doing all that a Guest is required to do.

Yours Sincerely,

Sir Mumphry Wilton.

* * *

That left only one problem, which the Shoggoth brought up during breakfast the following morning.

The End